Well, here I go, joining the world of the bloggers. My reason for doing this is that I need a place to vent and say what I am thinking without judgement. Here is the meat of it all, I am extreemly overweight. There, I said it. Dare I admit that I would be considered "morbidly obese". (I hate those words). I have been fat my whole life. My mother is fat. (She would die if she knew that I said that). My father struggles with his weight but looses it easily. When I was growing up, I liked to go to family reunions for my mother's family. Two out of every three people were fat. I felt OK there. My weight has always been an obsticle for me. It is what keeps me from being who I really am. It makes me shy, it makes me feel less than, it makes me hate me.

When I think about why I eat, I can say that I do eat when I am not hungry. I eat when I am sad, angry, hurt, disappointed, scared, disheartened, lonely. I eat out of any negative emotion. It doesn't make me feel better. Sometimes, it makes me feel worse. I don't eat large quantaties. I'm not one of the people that you hear about that goes from drive through to drive through trying to get as much as possible and then eat half of it on the way home and finish as soon as I pass through the door. It may be a bowl of cereal, a peanutbutter sandwich, a handfull of M&Ms, cheese toast... The point is, it is something that I do not need or have to have due to hunger. It is just comfort food. My husband often says that food is food. As long as he if full when he gets up, he doesn't really care what he ate. I am so not like that. I will consider what supper will be before lunch has even been thought of. I want to be in the mood for what I fix. I want to look forward to it. That sounds really sick doesn't it. I do enjoy food. I love cookbooks. I don't use them very often but I love the collection of them. I think that I find comfort in reading them sometimes, imagining how good the dish before me would be.

I have decided that I need a change. I have started a "diet" 1,000,000 + times. I have said, "Tomorrow, it all begins". I have gone to sleep thinking of how good I would look when I got skinny. The problem is, I fail everytime. I don't know if it is a lack of motivation, missing the food, a lack of encouragment, ... I don't know. All I know is that I fail. This morning I stepped on the scale and saw a number that I had never seen before. How have I gained this much weight?? As I blog, I hope to explore this question. I want to do this. My weight is something that I never talk about to ANYONE!! It is embarrasing. My husband has no idea what I weigh and I would die before I told him. I am tired of being the biggest person in the room. I am tired of wondering if I will fit into the chair. I am tired of wondering if the people who are wispering are talking about me. I am tired of wondering what people say about me when I am out of the room. I am tired of feeling so different. I want a change and I hope that this blog will help.

If you read this, pray for me. For now, I only plan to tell one person about this because she is a hero. She has continued on with this same battle and she knows the ups and downs. I hope to be sitting where she is one day with 73 pounds of me gone!! You know who you are and you are a hero to me.

Until tomorrow